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Literature by FadingGrin


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Submitted on
October 3, 2013
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under the moth-like hum of a lamppost,
your lips molded around hers like a cast
mending a broken wrist.

i stood motionless and watched
as her figure became shapeless,
conforming to your crevices and
letting your hands glide over it
like sudden rain clouds.

as i choked in the outskirts of your paradise,
i couldn't help but wonder if we, too,
looked this way before sickening ourselves.

as we multiplied in fractions and 2 became 1,
did the crunch of the leaves
beneath our backs realize the magic?

your teeth imprisoning my tongue for never too long,
my fingers shaping themselves to the curve of your neck.

our gentle caress disintegrated
like a thunderstorm to a campfire
to solemn ashes and broken twigs.

i first sensed your absence when i knelt in prayer
and your taste was not on the tip of my tongue. from
then on, i ritualized purging myself of every memory.

2 months later and you are still not ridden from me.

regardless of all this mess, your touch is still the epitome of content.
you are the only wish i will whisper to the dandelion seeds.
whatever you think this is about, it's not
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:iconaj-dion:
Critique by AJ-Dion Oct 4, 2013, 1:54:08 AM
It's an interesting piece. The subject is common but I do like the way you have done it. It does have excellent technique and does actually flow quite nicely. The imagery is there as well and it does paint and nice picture which is pleasant in the minds eye. Only real critique would be think about mixing up your rhetoric devices a little more. Use a mix or stick to one perhaps and see how that goes. Experiment with the work and see if you can make it more original by combining two distinct themes perhaps. :-)
So these are just ideas. You don't need to do any of them as it is a good piece.
What do you think?
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:iconiamnotelana:
iamnotelana Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
god your the type of poet that makes me cry i wish i could be as good as you im terrible lol
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:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013  Student Writer
aw that's so sweet, but i'm sure you'll get better with practice!
Reply
:iconitisjusti:
ItisjustI Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013
"Whatever you think this is about, it's not"

I think you mean something more like, "I wrote it the way I did with the direct intention of making you get the wrong impression of what it's about, and since I have deliberately guaranteed that you will be wrong, I will now show you just how you were wrong, thus making you feel like you were an arrogant fool for thinking you could understand me and simultaneously proving that I'm smart enough to fool you."
 
Since that is now my impression, I'm not sure how to approach this. A part of me I'm not proud of wants you to feel bad for giving a message like that. The part of me that isn't proud of that part thinks I should just ignore you and go away; write this entire thing off as unworthy of my attention.

Ah, fuck it. I already wrote it, but enough is enough.
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:iconanila73:
anila73 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hate it when people do things like that xD It's like oh crap there's no way I can ever figure out this poem now ;-;
Reply
:iconitisjusti:
ItisjustI Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013
And, of course, a poem you can't figure out is pointless.
Reply
:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013  Student Writer

hahahaha omg how many trolls are there on this website?

like really, i don't even know how to answer this

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:icontmar18:
TMaR18 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Fabulous!!
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:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Student Writer
thank you, love :heart:
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:iconanobrain:
anobrain Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013
that ending. :heart:
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:icondamecharlie:
damecharlie Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013
Yes. This. A thousand times.
Reply
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